Let’s pretend to chat over this cup of coffee. Ok, I’ll go first. I haven’t been on many adventures lately. In a way this makes me sad, but to be honest I just really haven’t wanted to go. This whole mask wearing, social distancing has officially taken a toll on this artistic introverted soul. I don’t think it is the cause though. What I think is that it has just gotten everyone quiet and isolated just long enough to reveal weaknesses—weaknesses in ourselves and in our little worlds. Social media has kept trucking along, however. I’m a huge fan of social media because I love to see pictures of friends around the world and it is how my son’s creativity was appreciated and discovered and encouraged. I don’t like it for oh so many reasons though. I will not get into those now because it would reveal too much of my weaknesses and unnecessary need for approval or encouragement. I go hot and cold about using it. People have suggested I use it for my art “business”. I try and it comes up empty. Art lovers tell me I just don’t have followers that care about the kind of art I do. “Find a new audience,” they say. “Yea the algorithm stinks. It has probably got something to do with that. People probably don’t see your posts. Just spend money to promote your posts” My response is always, “If they are my friends and family isn’t that supposed to be a supportive, cheering audience? If they don’t like what I post or care, do they even like me? Are we even really ‘friends’?” I will say that in today’s world it would be so easy to just lay this whole art dream down and God knows I have tried several times. At 50, it seems so goofy to have such a dream anyway. I’ve gone my whole life just admiring the accomplishments of others and just quietly doing my own thing until this art thing popped up in my life. As a mom and a person who focuses intently on one thing to do it well, I thought I couldn’t raise great kids and do other things. And I was blessed to be able to solely focus on them and to keep a clean house. So, I waited until they flew the nest to try exploring something else I love. It was never something I set out to do. I painted in oils for the first time in a friend’s painting class in 2012 and something inside me changed forever. When I share the pain of holding onto this dream with others, it is quickly just swept aside as a pipe dream or something silly a spoiled housewife would try and do in all her free time or I’m given the advice of just doing what I love and not worrying about others. Well, of course that is true. I totally understand that. That is how I’ve had to function for years. Moms get that! The problem is that if someone really understands creativity, they would understand that there is an aspect that requires feedback, acknowledgement, or a response. Those things are like other profession’s paychecks. Think of the end of a play or concert, a timely delivery of a joke, an emotionally delivered song, or the release of a novel. All of these things require vulnerability and a willingness to share. And the response is usually clapping, laughing, tears or purchasing a book, for example. Although I have a beautiful and supportive marriage, I struggle with sometimes feeling like I operate in a void or within an invisible force field that completely blocks me from any form of encouragement or feedback or general checking in, apart from my husband. I try to offer encouragement and concern and interest with others because I know what it feels like trying to do things without it. It has gotten so bad lately that when I text or email it is as if it gets lost in thin air. I get no response. I try to not take it personally and not let it bother me. I sometimes even delete the items from my phone so I’m not continually reminded how someone did not respond which is excruciatingly embarrassing. (not because it happens sometimes, but because it happens so often) But really, maybe I don’t deserve one. I understand that is a possibility. I could handle this with grace, I think, if we were not in the middle of a pandemic; if my nest were not empty; or if I was not trying to follow a dream of being an artist. Who knows what the cause is. Is it karma for something I did that I am unaware of and this is payback? Is it God saying that I am not gifted and not meant for this path? Is it some demonic force field of rejection or generational curse at play? Have I always been such a bad friend that I do not deserve encouragement for what I do or deserving of a text back or one to see how things are going? Is it that most people in my life don’t understand art and artists? Or are they all just too busy? Do I just paint things that aren’t any good or worthy of a response? Are people just too busy to care about something as trivial as a painting I create? Why couldn’t I have loved math or biology or law or physics? Do we just live in a world now that has everyone operating as “each man must look out for himself’? People tell me they are just not texters or social media isn’t for emotions or relationships or connecting and that people “just don’t comment as much or like Instagram posts or stories anymore”. Then, I’m going to need it to be renamed because I thought that was exactly what it is, a social network. And that is exactly what I need it to be in this no large social gatherings, all online, not connected, not personal automated, drive-through world we find ourselves in today—a SOCIAL NETWORK. As I have mentioned before, I have a degree in art history. I am keenly aware of the crazy emotional lives of artists. Wow! There are some crazy ones! I used to stand from afar and feel so emotionally moved by their stories filled with pain. Much has been written about the struggling artist. I became a painter 8 years ago, so maybe it has just now caught up with me —the paint fumes and all. HAHA! I would venture to guess that it has nothing to do with that. What I have seen during this pandemic with the house bound issues, especially with musicians and actors, is that these people are not crazy, but their life’s work deals with making the lives of others enhanced by laughter and beauty and story and song. We judge them for their antics or seeing their ‘need’ as whining for attention. But, the reality is that they ‘need’ that audience just like a doctor needs a patient or a teacher needs a student, or a pastor, a congregation or a missionary needing a mission. You can see it with their "at home” living room concerts and monologues and Tik-tok dances. It seems a bit desperate, but I think they are desperate. Their careers went on hold over night and some won’t fire back up again. I wrote on Instagram the other night about how we have made a huge point to thank the essential workers, but do we ever think of thanking the non-essentials ones, like artists in the world for what they do? The answer is “no” because often times the people I know are too busy and angry about “those peoples’ politics”. And they think they make too much money anyway. I think they think they kind of deserve it. I think that is where I too find myself—alone— creating things that may or may not ever get an audience or a viewer or a comment or a nod or a wall to hang on. Desperate. I understand. It is the given in the life of any artist. I was a stay at home mom for 20 years, so I get the working hard and the dirty work for no awards or promotions. I’m not some spoiled person who needs to be successful. I just would like to feel like what I do matters these days or that the beauty I’m trying to offer the world matters. And, I do understand that I paint abstracts and that there are just some people that will never be comfortable with abstract art. This is not a post to get comments. That feels nasty and wouldn’t be genuine if I got them. I’m writing a vulnerable post because the pain has got to come out. And although an illness would get far more attention. I do not want it to come to that. I’m not really worried about being embarrassed that people might read this because I have shared that I have been writing on here for months and have begged people to read, comment and interact with me some how. I know that my parents and maybe only two other people will ever even read it anyway. I guess it is just an online diary. So, if you have logged on and made it to the end, “Thank you! Your effort is much appreciated!” You have read more than most people take the time to do these days. I appreciate it with all that is in me! It is Sunday, so if church was actually open, maybe I wouldn’t have had to be so open on here. And believe me, the studio and the worship music has certainly been my church today!

Also, if you know me at all, you know that everything is spiritual to me. So, I can usually find a spiritual lesson about anything I’m dealing with. I know that if I have any issue with this at all, maybe the Ultimate Creator, God himself might just ”feel” like I do. I’m not trying to put human concepts on God, but it makes me think. God’s creation is on display every day wherever we look. Do you/we take the time to thank him for the beauty he displays for us? Do you drive around with your mind on all the things you “have” to do and oblivious to all the beauty that surrounds us? Do you take sunsets for granted? I mean, they happen every day whether we acknowledge them or not, right? Do the tomatoes growing on the vines in your yard blow you away as they grow and turn bright red and perfect for your picking? Do you take for granted those annuals that bloom in the heat of the summer because you had to plant them or do you forget to acknowledge God for those beautiful hummingbirds that visit the feeder that you have to refill with sugar water? I sure try not to ever take it for granted. The beauty and the eyes to see I am forever grateful for. May I never tire of thanking the Great Artist in my life for all the beauty and joy He shows me each and every day. I appreciate each display! Below are just a few not so great zoomed in photos I’ve captured lately of this beauty.

My first monarch of the season!

There are also things like this in the midst of all the beauty. People are so frightened by them. I understand the symbolism, but they are still part of God’s creation. We can learn lots from not writing off everything we think is scary and “wrong” and not right. “It” still belongs and has a purpose even when some people think it doesn’t.

Never seen monkey grass bloom like this! Or maybe I was too busy to notice before!

Oh the joy this pup found watching these fish eat their dinner! It was contagious!