Flowers and gifts are my love language. Flowers because they are, well flowers and gifts because they symbolize that someone was thinking of me when I was not around. For someone misunderstood for most of my life, this is meaningful. I notice gifts in nature all of the time. If I showed you my collection or the pictures of the things I have found you might be amazed. I have a friend that has experienced the same thing. He found a Willow Tree statue of a couple on a run when struggling in his relationship. I can say I have never found something quite like that, but mine are treasures non the less. When I go for long runs, I always “learn” and “discover” lots of things about myself. On one particular run, I had remembered two very important stories from my past I had stuffed or tucked away. On my next run day, in the exact spot of my “revelation” I found what you see below.

I had never seen one in nature. But that did not matter. I had seen one before, so I knew immediately what it was. This was a buckeye. In the middle of a street!—Not one other thing around it. It looked out of place. I sobbed! Why? Because it meant something to me. Maybe hundreds of people had passed it that day. Maybe it was there just for me. I looked up at the tree over my head and all over the ground. There was nothing around like it. See, my grandmother carried one or actually some with her all the time. Hers were actually placed in her casket at her viewing before her funeral. Buckeyes are thought to be “good luck” or to keep rheumatism and arthritis at bay. I do not have either, but I did have a grandmother that had a stroke in the middle of her life that changed it (her life) and her forever. So, this little buckeye didn’t go unnoticed by me because not much does, to be honest. I am observant. I’m always looking and studying and observing life, nature, and people. People in my life have misunderstood these qualities often, but I have always seen them as skills and gifts. I don’t observe to judge or to find fault, but to learn, to find out things and to ultimately stay safe. I think The Creator, My Creator knows that about me. I have always thought that that is why he made me that way. I just could never understand why others disliked me for being me or doubting my genuineness or authenticity. I always felt like everyone thought I needed fixing, so much so that I thought I did too. When my life changed two years ago with brain surgery, I certainly did what I do best I tried to learn all I could from the situation. I wanted it to change me for the better. I wanted to learn all the lessons that were there to learn. Running and researching and reading all I can help me process all I have needed to process. I do not really believe in good luck per se, but I do believe in encouragement. I have never really received much in my life. If people think you need fixing, why would they encourage you in anything but trying to fix yourself, That was me! I saw this little buckeye as a little nature gift to remind and encourage me to keep on the path of learning and growing and ultimately to maturing. So, I picked it up, tucked it in my left pocket and kept running a little taller knowing “someone out there” knew how hard I had been trying to learn and to be a better and changed improved person. It has been a few weeks since I found that little guy and I have been on more runs than I can count, but today something happened that changed my entire life. That little nut kept me going to this point. See, I took a test a while back confirming that I am on the Autistic Spectrum. (Yea, most bright people are anyway.) Once again when I shared that information, I was again misunderstood and shamed for even considering it. I have read many books on the subject, watched TED Talks, and a movie and I can relate in ways that only my gut can confirm. I even wrote my third novel about the topic. I have continued on my healing journey after finding out I fit the criteria. I have learned so many more things about myself—how I think, how I view life and the world, and how people have viewed me thru the years. Tomorrow marks the two years since I had life altering surgery and today I watched a video that, to me, was life altering. If anyone reading has ever studied or heard of Autism, you probably have preconceived ideas about what that is. The funny thing I learned a few years ago is that it is RARELY the same in females as in males. I’m a female and apparently females are really good at hiding any traits or symptoms. I had been really good at “looking” like I did not struggle. I mean I’m a people pleasing perfectionist, but that was never a clue to anyone around me, nor to me. The video I mentioned was created by an expert in diagnosing Autism in adults and in females. She discussed that many people do not get diagnosed until they are adults because their special interest (a common hyper-focusing activity is actually PEOPLE. Those people like people watching, learning why people do what they do, trying to figure people out. I was blown away. That is me! I have never felt like anything explained me more. I analyze why people do what they do. I can get hung up on this, overthinking, researching and analyzing anything that doesn’t make sense to me. It was the proof I had been looking for to confirm my suspicions about myself. I certainly have not been looking for any diagnosis. I am not one of those people that need a diagnosis for sure. I had a diagnosis I did not want two years ago. That was enough for me. This does explain what I feel like has made me somewhat of a target my whole life. A target?, you ask. Yea! I have always just tried to be me, but for some reason “me” caused people to criticize me, dislike me, question me, or compete with me. They criticized, I tried harder. Today I learned a description to describe who I have always been. It suits me. I accept it, and from now on I’m going to not try harder, but try softer. That is what suits me now.