And

Funny thing, I loved this piece, and I lost it this past week. I wont get into that here. That is something completely different. I thought I would share it here in memory of it.

See, when I paint a painting it is like giving birth to something. Sometimes the birthing is difficult and sometimes it is easy. This was not a huge piece, but it was painted in oils and therefore was more risky and took more time to paint. I wouldn’t want to guess the amount of hours it took to paint. What I have always tried to explain to those few people who have asked is that I paint what I see, what I’ve seen before and what I remember. I see life and remember things with pictures. I observe things more than the average person. I learned that skill as a young girl to stay safe. If I could observe something that seemed off or wrong or out of place maybe I could spot the storm before it arrived. Maybe, just maybe I could catch the change in wind before the tornado hit. Maybe I could stay safe and avoid criticism or rude comments and ultimately pain. In other words my painting skills began as survival skills. I paint now and always have to process pain and hurt and to record or remember places I have been or moments I want to remember. I paint beaches after I have been to the beach. I paint what my own eyes have seen. I was told by someone where we live now that the beaches I paint would never sell because people around here want paintings of beaches with white sand. The funny thing is that I do not, nor have I ever painted for money. I do not nor have I ever painted what someone wanted me to paint. I paint what I have seen and what I feel. If someone doesn’t like the dark sand I paint then I am sorry because they don’t need to love my sand. I have never been to Destin, Florida. I do not care if it has white sand. I have, however been to beaches all over the world, and I paint those because I was moved when I was on those other beaches. My heart was stirred when I dug my toes into the sand on those beaches. Those are the ones I have painted. I felt God’s bigness and my humanness on those beaches. And I have spent countless hours painting what I remember of those moments. I will never see the above painting again I do not think, but the beauty is that that is ok. Well, I am learning to let it be ok and to let it be ok that it is gone. I would love to have known where it went, where it hangs, and why someone wanted it, but giving birth to something does not give us control over the thing we birthed. I learned early on to be appreciative of my gifts and to hold the things I create loosely. In fact I give my art away a lot. It is a personal way for me to share love and appreciation with others. ( Thank God I learned to paint because I used to give people soap as a gift to show them I cared. Giving has always been “my thing”. Sometimes letting go can be a little harder than it is at other times. The painting below is just another piece that was taken from me too. It is another I am grieving the loss of, but one that I will recreate as fall approaches. It was called “A Walk in the Woods”, so for someone who loves fall and walking and running in the woods I will be like Taylor Swift and create my new version of this painting called “A Walk in the Woods—Mandy’s Version”.

Some may find it weird that I would even write about this here. Or why at all? But I say, “Why not here?” It is my space to share what I want to share. This is somehing I’m learning from at the moment. I share what I learn here as well as why I paint, run or whatever else I do. Learning is something I think is important to do in life. I try to learn from my mistakes and from what life throws at me. I think learning is where wisdom comes into our lives. What we do not learn from we will continue to encounter until we do learn. That is what I believe, so of course that is why it is true in my own life. I learned from losing these two pieces and countless others. Thank God that lesson that has repeated itself has been learned. I’m eternally grateful.

I read and I felt this today, so I am posting it here. I never realized how important boundaries and reciprocity in relationships were until the healing that has come after my brain surgery. I could not be happier with my healing and with what I have learned along the way about myself and others. I am such a different person today.