My Latest Floral Piece

This is my latest floral. I wanted it to be full of all sorts of types and colors of flowers all imperfect and unique. I learned a while back about two really great concepts that are connected. I show their definitions below. I included them both in this piece.

My representation of “kintsugi”. These concepts are quite interesting. Google them if they seem of interest. They are really helpful to recovering perfectionists. I would know!

Yesterday was a fun day of celebration, but I finished last evening in the studio listening to classical music and finishing this piece. And it was magical and healing and a blessing. This is the piece on my art table as I turned to leave my studio. I share it here only because it was a moment I want to document and remember forever. What a difference two years can make!

Nature Gifts

Flowers and gifts are my love language. Flowers because they are, well flowers and gifts because they symbolize that someone was thinking of me when I was not around. For someone misunderstood for most of my life, this is meaningful. I notice gifts in nature all of the time. If I showed you my collection or the pictures of the things I have found you might be amazed. I have a friend that has experienced the same thing. He found a Willow Tree statue of a couple on a run when struggling in his relationship. I can say I have never found something quite like that, but mine are treasures non the less. When I go for long runs, I always “learn” and “discover” lots of things about myself. On one particular run, I had remembered two very important stories from my past I had stuffed or tucked away. On my next run day, in the exact spot of my “revelation” I found what you see below.

I had never seen one in nature. But that did not matter. I had seen one before, so I knew immediately what it was. This was a buckeye. In the middle of a street!—Not one other thing around it. It looked out of place. I sobbed! Why? Because it meant something to me. Maybe hundreds of people had passed it that day. Maybe it was there just for me. I looked up at the tree over my head and all over the ground. There was nothing around like it. See, my grandmother carried one or actually some with her all the time. Hers were actually placed in her casket at her viewing before her funeral. Buckeyes are thought to be “good luck” or to keep rheumatism and arthritis at bay. I do not have either, but I did have a grandmother that had a stroke in the middle of her life that changed it (her life) and her forever. So, this little buckeye didn’t go unnoticed by me because not much does, to be honest. I am observant. I’m always looking and studying and observing life, nature, and people. People in my life have misunderstood these qualities often, but I have always seen them as skills and gifts. I don’t observe to judge or to find fault, but to learn, to find out things and to ultimately stay safe. I think The Creator, My Creator knows that about me. I have always thought that that is why he made me that way. I just could never understand why others disliked me for being me or doubting my genuineness or authenticity. I always felt like everyone thought I needed fixing, so much so that I thought I did too. When my life changed two years ago with brain surgery, I certainly did what I do best I tried to learn all I could from the situation. I wanted it to change me for the better. I wanted to learn all the lessons that were there to learn. Running and researching and reading all I can help me process all I have needed to process. I do not really believe in good luck per se, but I do believe in encouragement. I have never really received much in my life. If people think you need fixing, why would they encourage you in anything but trying to fix yourself, That was me! I saw this little buckeye as a little nature gift to remind and encourage me to keep on the path of learning and growing and ultimately to maturing. So, I picked it up, tucked it in my left pocket and kept running a little taller knowing “someone out there” knew how hard I had been trying to learn and to be a better and changed improved person. It has been a few weeks since I found that little guy and I have been on more runs than I can count, but today something happened that changed my entire life. That little nut kept me going to this point. See, I took a test a while back confirming that I am on the Autistic Spectrum. (Yea, most bright people are anyway.) Once again when I shared that information, I was again misunderstood and shamed for even considering it. I have read many books on the subject, watched TED Talks, and a movie and I can relate in ways that only my gut can confirm. I even wrote my third novel about the topic. I have continued on my healing journey after finding out I fit the criteria. I have learned so many more things about myself—how I think, how I view life and the world, and how people have viewed me thru the years. Tomorrow marks the two years since I had life altering surgery and today I watched a video that, to me, was life altering. If anyone reading has ever studied or heard of Autism, you probably have preconceived ideas about what that is. The funny thing I learned a few years ago is that it is RARELY the same in females as in males. I’m a female and apparently females are really good at hiding any traits or symptoms. I had been really good at “looking” like I did not struggle. I mean I’m a people pleasing perfectionist, but that was never a clue to anyone around me, nor to me. The video I mentioned was created by an expert in diagnosing Autism in adults and in females. She discussed that many people do not get diagnosed until they are adults because their special interest (a common hyper-focusing activity is actually PEOPLE. Those people like people watching, learning why people do what they do, trying to figure people out. I was blown away. That is me! I have never felt like anything explained me more. I analyze why people do what they do. I can get hung up on this, overthinking, researching and analyzing anything that doesn’t make sense to me. It was the proof I had been looking for to confirm my suspicions about myself. I certainly have not been looking for any diagnosis. I am not one of those people that need a diagnosis for sure. I had a diagnosis I did not want two years ago. That was enough for me. This does explain what I feel like has made me somewhat of a target my whole life. A target?, you ask. Yea! I have always just tried to be me, but for some reason “me” caused people to criticize me, dislike me, question me, or compete with me. They criticized, I tried harder. Today I learned a description to describe who I have always been. It suits me. I accept it, and from now on I’m going to not try harder, but try softer. That is what suits me now.

This little girl is finally comfortable in her own skin. And I’m not even sad it took brain surgery, rehad to learn to walk again, the loss of hearing in one ear, hours of reading and researching and hundreds of miles running to figure it out on my own!

Roses

This is my quick 16x20 floral of roses that I completed before the pumpkin floral. Roses are not my favorite flowers to paint, but I attempted this anyway. I love the song by the same name by Andrew Ripp. I listen to it when I run, so one day I came home and painted this. I don’t paint to depict perfect images of real life things. I have explained that here before. Flowers have a very deep meaning to me as do blooms of any kind. I heard this quote today that brought me to tears.—”When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.” I have learned this by growing my share of flowers. I bring almost all of the flowers from our yard in for the winter each year. This has taught me many things by doing so. For some reason in my life people around me have always thought I needed fixing. So much so that I too thought I needed fixing. I’m a life long learner. I’m always reading and learning from my experiences. Funny thing is I just now realized I don’t need fixing. I am exactly who I was created to be. It just took lots of uncovering to find that sweet little girl people thought needed fixing. I always have known how to bloom and the conditions I needed to be in to do so and thank goodness my petals are beginning to unfold.

Relaxing in the studio

I took this picture this morning right after I finished a painting for the cover of my next book. I got excited about all of the possibilities of this next project. I enjoy the planning and prepping just as much as the actual writing, especially in my newly organized studio surrounded by so many meaningful treasures. It is now a cozy, sacred space complete with a fireplace, two cozy chairs and my desk where I edit and my painting desk for creating. Only creatives would understand the need for such a space. It blows my mind how much I can accomplish in one cozy space. Every time I enter the space, my gratitude and my blessings overflow.

Art and Music

As most of you know from reading or from our conversations that I survive with music. I run and paint to it for sure. The painting just below and a few others I will share are examples of me not painting to music or with music, but painting music, in other words what I see when I hear a song. I asked a few dear people in my life to suggest songs and then I painted them for fun. I am not a diagnosed synesthete painter, but I can certainly relate. I understand and experience things similarly. Here are a few of the paintings. I am not revealing here what the song titles were for fear of having the painting critiqued compared to the songs. I can only display what my creations are now. Now, it is irrelevant as to what I was painting. I used acrylics and watercolors with these pieces.

And

Funny thing, I loved this piece, and I lost it this past week. I wont get into that here. That is something completely different. I thought I would share it here in memory of it.

See, when I paint a painting it is like giving birth to something. Sometimes the birthing is difficult and sometimes it is easy. This was not a huge piece, but it was painted in oils and therefore was more risky and took more time to paint. I wouldn’t want to guess the amount of hours it took to paint. What I have always tried to explain to those few people who have asked is that I paint what I see, what I’ve seen before and what I remember. I see life and remember things with pictures. I observe things more than the average person. I learned that skill as a young girl to stay safe. If I could observe something that seemed off or wrong or out of place maybe I could spot the storm before it arrived. Maybe, just maybe I could catch the change in wind before the tornado hit. Maybe I could stay safe and avoid criticism or rude comments and ultimately pain. In other words my painting skills began as survival skills. I paint now and always have to process pain and hurt and to record or remember places I have been or moments I want to remember. I paint beaches after I have been to the beach. I paint what my own eyes have seen. I was told by someone where we live now that the beaches I paint would never sell because people around here want paintings of beaches with white sand. The funny thing is that I do not, nor have I ever painted for money. I do not nor have I ever painted what someone wanted me to paint. I paint what I have seen and what I feel. If someone doesn’t like the dark sand I paint then I am sorry because they don’t need to love my sand. I have never been to Destin, Florida. I do not care if it has white sand. I have, however been to beaches all over the world, and I paint those because I was moved when I was on those other beaches. My heart was stirred when I dug my toes into the sand on those beaches. Those are the ones I have painted. I felt God’s bigness and my humanness on those beaches. And I have spent countless hours painting what I remember of those moments. I will never see the above painting again I do not think, but the beauty is that that is ok. Well, I am learning to let it be ok and to let it be ok that it is gone. I would love to have known where it went, where it hangs, and why someone wanted it, but giving birth to something does not give us control over the thing we birthed. I learned early on to be appreciative of my gifts and to hold the things I create loosely. In fact I give my art away a lot. It is a personal way for me to share love and appreciation with others. ( Thank God I learned to paint because I used to give people soap as a gift to show them I cared. Giving has always been “my thing”. Sometimes letting go can be a little harder than it is at other times. The painting below is just another piece that was taken from me too. It is another I am grieving the loss of, but one that I will recreate as fall approaches. It was called “A Walk in the Woods”, so for someone who loves fall and walking and running in the woods I will be like Taylor Swift and create my new version of this painting called “A Walk in the Woods—Mandy’s Version”.

Some may find it weird that I would even write about this here. Or why at all? But I say, “Why not here?” It is my space to share what I want to share. This is somehing I’m learning from at the moment. I share what I learn here as well as why I paint, run or whatever else I do. Learning is something I think is important to do in life. I try to learn from my mistakes and from what life throws at me. I think learning is where wisdom comes into our lives. What we do not learn from we will continue to encounter until we do learn. That is what I believe, so of course that is why it is true in my own life. I learned from losing these two pieces and countless others. Thank God that lesson that has repeated itself has been learned. I’m eternally grateful.

I read and I felt this today, so I am posting it here. I never realized how important boundaries and reciprocity in relationships were until the healing that has come after my brain surgery. I could not be happier with my healing and with what I have learned along the way about myself and others. I am such a different person today.

Another inspiration post

One night during the long weekend last week, we went up to spend some time on the river. We sat in a swing and took in all the scenery.

I kept staring at those two trees in front of me. All I could see is a V, so this is what I came up with.

I was obsessed with this view, so I had to paint it as soon as I got home. I painted a little painting of this scene.

What I see!

I see mountain streams and rivers on my long run days. This is just a little watercolor of the views I run over when I cross over the many tall bridges on the trail. I love water, and I love nature, and taking pictures on my runs. This is a painting of what I see and how I remember those moments.